For It Is In The Giving That We Receive

“For it is in the giving that we receive.”

-St. Francis of Assisi

When I turn inward I overthink, I over analyze myself and my mood darkens. When I am in service to others, I reawaken my greatest self.

Winter forces us indoors, isolates us more from others and allows us to recharge and renew ourselves. It’s natures way. But just as the flowers and the trees need the sun and the rain, I need people. More specifically, I need people that need and appreciate me. I crave meaningful human interaction, especially in the teacher/ student, mentor/protégé dynamic.

I feed off the bonds that form and I can feel the mutual trust, and love and appreciation. The pureness of the act of helping, without the thought of repayment, or quid pro quo transactions is my highest form of altruism.

These relationships unfortunately have a timeline, and inevitably both parties must eventually move on.

This cold truth has never affected me until recently when I reached the age of retirement. There was always another game to play as a kid, another year of school, another adventure, another challenge. As I grew into adulthood, there was always another team to coach, another group of young minds to teach, another person to hire, train, develop, teach, advise and care for. These bonds may be temporary but they run deep into my heart.

And today i realize i have no next game, no new protégé, no next relationship to explore, no more advice to give.

That some of my best players and people return temporarily to say “ Thanks Coach” means the world to me ( have you ever seen an old man cry?) but the realization that it’s over has never gotten easier for me to accept.

Expecting the world to behave the way you want or need is a fools errand. And yet my
heart breaks every time they move on. I feel empty, exhausted and nostalgic every time these relationships end.

I wonder if they feel the same way? I’m too proud to ask, yet too insecure to assume they do. The contract was fulfilled..the job apparently completed.. yet the remaining residue of what it all meant to me remains..

Perhaps my “ gift” as with most gifts comes with a price to pay.. i pay for it privately as i mourn the loss of my identity, the loss of that friendship and the thought that i will never experience this wonderful fulfillment of my purpose again.

COACH/TEACHER/MENTOR AVAILABLE. REASONABLE RATES. PAYMENT IN APPRECIATION ONLY REQUIRED. MUST BE WILLING TO ACCEPT MY OCCASIONAL OUTBURSTS OF JOY AND TEARS AS I WATCH YOU GROW AND IMPROVE.

-CarmA