“ I can’t win”.
I’ve always been puzzled by people that need to “ win” in relationships or in friendships, as if life was a zero-sum game. There’s a distinct difference between a person that “seems to win” as opposed to actually winning. It may seem like the narcissist is winning, at least in the short term.
Narcissists are very adept at putting on a show. Just look at any number of Facebook pages and you will only see a depiction of happiness, plastic smiles, and nothing really genuine or vulnerable. The image of their reality is far more important than reality itself. The virtual audience is easier to impress than the face to face. To go a step further, narcissists rarely follow any moral code, Instead, they simply follow their feelings and if they want something badly enough, they will go about getting it no matter the cost to others or themselves.
Narcissists are users and they use people and things to get what they want. They have no regard for the welfare of others, with the exception of how that person can be useful to them. They never form any kind of attachment or emotional bond with others, and have no idea what love is, how to receive it, or how to give it. They feel no remorse because they lack any type of empathy. You can not “ fix” a narcissist as they will never accept that they are broken.
They will never have any kind of meaningful relationship with anyone else because they will never allow themselves to be vulnerable enough to do so. They will never truly be able to enjoy other people for who they are or what they bring to the table because the narcissist is in constant competition with anyone who is not them – which is everyone.
They will have thousands of “ online friends” yet feel completely lonely. They will seek company with other narcissists as a way to rationalize their mutually destructive behaviors. They will end up devouring each other because they expect to be treated as they treat others.
They frequently end up alone, physically and metaphorically.. the oldest man or woman at the bar.. desperately searching for someone new to listen to their stories, feed their egos, and offer themselves up as emotional prey.
They will never know the joy of giving, of putting others first, of loving unconditionally, of feeling the heart-bursting joy of friendship, camaraderie, mutual and equal partnership.. or internal peace and serenity. Instead they accumulate Instagram followers, Facebook friends. They build a virtual fantasy lifestyle and they fill it with hollow virtual “friends” that are both interchangeable and easily disposable.
Social media has provided narcissists the perfect platform. A meeting place for predators. A hunting ground. Bad behavior proudly on display.. On steroids…When someone is extremely proud and arrogant, they are blind to their own condition and they are not teachable.
It takes humility to admit you are wrong and that you have flaws. It also takes humility to learn from your mistakes. The narcissist is so blinded by their own pride that they never truly admit to any kind of wrongdoing, great or small. They constantly pass the buck to everyone else. This is clearly a sign of immaturity and the narcissist is notorious for blaming everyone but him/herself.
Mature adults take responsibility for their actions. Narcissists don’t learn from their mistakes because they won’t admit that they’ve even made them. It is impossible to forgive someone who can’t ask for forgiveness or even acknowledge their wrongdoing and the hurt they have caused. This means that they don’t mature, they don’t grow, they don’t develop as human beings. They simply keep repeating the same mistakes and patterns over and over and over again. This is the definition of insanity, even though I don’t believe for a minute that narcissists are insane or mentally ill. I don’t.
So, if this is your idea of winning, then I feel for you because that is not winning in my book by any stretch of the imagination. Not caring about other people is not winning. Not forming meaningful, lasting relationships with others is not winning. Using other people for your own selfish desires is not winning.
Almost every time I have heard of someone lying on their deathbed, they never have regrets about passing up that promotion, or missing that trip to Europe, or buying that sports car. Instead, they have regrets about not spending more time with family and friends, about not putting petty things aside, about missing out on meaningful relationships with other people. Deep meaningful relationships, are what make life worth living.
The narcissist will never truly have that. They will use, abuse, and throw people away and at the end of their lives, they may accumulate a lot of stuff, but they will never have the meaningful connections that they really need. And if you believe in moral accountability then at the end of a person’s life, they will have to answer for what they have and have not done with their lives – both good and bad. That’s definitely not winning for the long-game.
We are all sinners, we are all narcissistic to a degree, we are all flawed. But we are all human, we can all forgive, we can all improve, we can all ask for forgiveness and vow to be better. I can’t say I wish these people well, but a part of me wishes them peace. My peace requires that I exorcise these demons from my life, my family, my heart. It takes a lot for me to give up on people. It’s my kryptonite. It makes me easy prey for narcissists, but it keeps my heart open, my soul vibrant and my hope for” the next time” alive and eternal.
And that feels like a “ win” to me.
Love your writings, Carm!! Heartfelt, thought-provoking, real 😊 Keep on writing and I’ll surely keep on reading! I used to write about real issues years ago, as well.